Hoping, Waiting, Persevering...

  Ever feel like you're in the threshing floor of life? You are the harvest and God is separating the wheat from the chaff. It's a painful process. My husband has another way of describing it: we're in a monkey wrench that keeps getting twisted tighter and tighter. (I think I like the threshing floor metaphor better.) 
  God has really been teaching me a lot about endurance in this season of my life. I'm actually not sure that I know the full realm of what I'm learning. I am just holding on to Christ and taking one step at a time. I am continuing to move forward. Keep walking. Keep believing. Keep hoping. There seems to be a theme if waiting in my life - which obviously leads to endurance. 
    John and I have been making plans to move for John to attend seminary beginning in August. I say we're making plans ... but did I mention that so far none of them have been working? We put our house on the market months ago (you can imagine how that's going in this market). We've been applying for job after job only to be disappointed by the news that we didn't get hired. 
    I have been dealing with health issues for a few years now. It seems that with every visit to the doctor I find that there is a new problem with my body. I am physically tired beyond belief. I wonder what God purposed for this broken body and I dream of a day when I can be completely healthy and "normal" (whatever that means). 
   We have been longing for children our entire marriage. I have been dreaming of motherhood since I was a small child and I rocked my baby dolls to sleep. We've dealt with the painful blows of 2 miscarriages and then the news that we have a ridiculously small chance of ever delivering our own babies. We've been foster parents, and then watched our boys leave... returned to their "real parents". We've prayed constantly about adoption and I have hoped with all my heart that God would say "yes - now is the time," only to receive a "not yet... wait." In the meantime I hold out hope month after month that just maybe I would be pregnant...
   I have been frustrated and worn out with all the waiting. But I have also been learning an incredible truth... what God does in us during the waiting is sometimes more important than when He delivers the source of our prayers. He is developing perseverance in us. He is growing our capacity for faith and for hope. For "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 He is increasing my trust in Him and my understanding that Jesus truly is all that I need in this life. I am beginning to see that there is much that I can do without: owning a home, financial security, my physical health, and children here on earth. But there is one thing that I cannot survive without: Jesus Christ. I am learning that He is all - sufficient, all - loving, and all - powerful. I am learning to trust Him and His plan for my life. I am learning to embrace the trials in my life because they are the catalysts for my spiritual growth. 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." 
James 1:2-4


Lauren said...

Believing for miracles on your behalf!

Andrea said...

Lauren, this was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart. I'll be praying for you.

Lauren said...

Thanks ladies!! You are wonderful sisters and I am soooo blessed to have your prayers! :)

Brooke said...

Thank you for sharing this, Lauren. I feel like reading this blog is the first "real" conversation I've had in months... not just with you, but with anyone.

I guess it's to be expected as a 'stranger in a strange land' so to speak. Thank you for writing and following my blog as well.

I miss you.
- B

eLisa said...

Lauren, you have shared your heart and your soul through this post. I know many women who have shared in your struggle. You are not alone. I admire your determination to remain faithful to the Lord and trust in His plans. I will pray for God to not only bless you but bring you great contentment in Him.

You should visit: http://puttinggodfirstplace.blogspot.com/

She has a similar story to yours!

Love in Christ,