9.08.2009

Hope


I’ve been thinking a lot about HOPE lately. What does that mean? What does it look like? I think part of the reason I’ve been pondering hope is that have been reading Hinds Feet on High Places … again. This book is chalk full of hope! There are a couple verses in the Bible that always come to mind when I think of Hope.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Proverbs 13:12

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
Hebrews 10:23


I know all about hope deferred. I know all about hoping and praying month after month to get that pink little plus sign … only the get a big ole negative. I know all about feeling that tree of life when I finally did get one of those tests to show me a positive! I know all about the joy and excitement and anticipation that came with that. I remember the dreams and hopes I had for our first baby. I remember the deep contentment and peace I felt. I remember the devastation. I remember feeling sick at heart when the doctors told me that precious bundle of hope had died in my belly. I remember thinking that I would never be whole again. I remember tears coming in waves that I thought would never end. I remember thinking that I my whole world had been tipped over and everything had fallen and nothing would ever, EVER be the same again. I was right. Nothing ever has been the same. I was changed in an instant. I can’t ever go back to being the girl I was before I lost my baby. I can’t go back to that time of innocent hope that knew no crushing loss.

But, I got to learn about unswerving hope. I learned what it meant to continue to hope even when everything in my life said that I was stupid for having hope. Life seemed to mock me as I held out hope that I would one day hold a baby in my arms. Month after month passed as I hoped for another pregnancy and found myself reading more and more negatives. Then I felt that tree of life again… but I was hesitant this time. I restrained myself from all the dreams I ran away with before. I just held my deep joy and contentment inside for a week … until my hope died again. Another baby went to heaven. Another permanent bruise was left on my heart. And my hope was shaken to the core. I was challenged.

Do I believe what the Bible says? Is he who promised faithful? And how can I say yes to that considering all I have been through? How can I keep hoping?

I hope because Jesus is faithful to all His promises and loving to those He has made. I do not know what He is doing in me. I cannot understand why He lets me suffer, but I do know that it is for my own good. It also all depends on where I am putting my hope. Is it just in babies? Then I may suffer from a sick heart for the rest of my life. But, if it’s in Jesus and more of Him in my life, then I just might feel that tree of life again. My hope and longing will always be fulfilled if HE is the one I am hoping for!

He is teaching me a beautiful lesson: He is all I need. I still long for children. I still hope for them. But, Christ is showing me what grace looks like. He’s showing me how to live life when it hurts to breathe some days. He is showing me how to let Him be my breath and my heartbeat. He is showing me how to smile when I want to cry. He is showing me how to beat self pity. I have been broken and beaten down. I walk with a limp. But Christ has shown me how to walk with Him as my cane. As I lean on Him, I move forward toward the High Places where the Tree of Life grows...
image signature


19 comments:

Lucy Marie said...

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart.

3 Blessings said...

WOW Lauren! This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing you heart and showing that you are holding onto Jesus even during the toughest times of your life. I am always inspired and challenged by you and I am so thankful for your beautiful heart for the LORD.
Blessings,
Amy

Daveda said...

Loren, what a beautifully naked post! More of Jesus never disappoints. I am hoping with you, hoping for more of Jesus, and hoping that through Him, the desires of your heart will be fulfilled!

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

That was beautiful....You are a wonderful writer...and HOPE is my favorite word in the world....We all need it...

Karen said...

I wish I could think of something profound to say, but all that seems right is to say, I love you, my sister in Christ. My son would be 17 this month. I still feel the loss.

Alicia said...

Oh, Lauren...this has to be one of the most beautiful posts you have written!!

SnoWhite said...

I love the pureness of your heart -- I am right with you as you write "He’s showing me how to live life when it hurts to breathe some days." In a different way, I too am learning these same things, learning to hope again, although we've faced very different circumstances.

thanks for sharing today. I needed that reminder about hope today.

Amber said...

beautiful post thanks for sharing, so very true

Jean Stockdale said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and leaving a note. I cannot believe you have experienced a very premature menapause!! I am so sorry! Bless your sweet little heart. Only one who is in the throws of sleep deprivation and chronic hot flashes can fully grasp what you experienced. But of course I am in my 50s and I simply cannot imagine dealing with these symptons in your 20s!!! It does indeed creep into your spiritual life when your physical life is out of snyc. I read your journey and am so blessed by your determination to walk by faith regardless of difficult circumstances. I would like to stay in touch online and I will be praying for you. God's ways stagger us. Without Him we would surely perish when required to walk through the valley of the shadow of death as you and your husband have. I don't intend to minimize your pain and I don't want to sound simplistic, but may I say that your transparency is so refreshing. I appreciate that do not try to explain what God is doing in your life-who can know the mind of GOd. His ways are higher than ours. You are not apologetic nor do you try to editorialize on God's dealings with you. You deal in a forthright way that honors the Lord, encourages others to press on in the Lord, and reminds all of us that the Christian life is not a passive expereince. It is an aggressive pursuit of personal holiness. I read in Philippians this morning that Paul said (1:15 I think) that others had drawn courage to speak out for the Lord because of his suffering and imprisonment. I believe many of your readers could say this about you. I commend you. Blessings, dear child. May God manifest His presence in your life today in a fresh way.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Thank you for sharing your struggle so openly with us. I, too, struggle with trust, faith, unbelief, disappointment. God has recently awakened my heart to my unbelief, and I have confessed it to him ... sometimes on a daily basis. I am growing in my understanding/trust of him. My husband and I struggled with infertility for 3 years, so my heart is with you right now.

You are offering a good encouragement to us all with this post. Today, I join you in prayer for more faith and trust in our Confidence, Jesus Christ.

peace~elaine

life's journey said...

This is a beautiful post for the day... Happy WFW! TC

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

What an inspiring post. I'm always amazed when people like you with significant things to share end up at my blog because it's so frivolous. But I'm glad you left your answers in the comments. I love my brother now, too!

Hope said...

Dear Lauren,
It is difficult when life does not go as we had hoped. I know for me, it is a daily decision to humbly accept that what God allows in my life is all meant for good. It is easy for me to ask “Why”, but to many things here on this earth, I will never know the answer. I have to humbly accept what is, and trust Him. Sometimes this world overwhelms me, and all I want is for life to end. There are so many things I do not understand. I am so thankful that Jesus came and lived this life with us, and he knows all our weaknesses, sorry, and pain. I can trust Him. He is the reason I can say that my hope is in the LORD!
♥Hope

He & Me + 3 said...

Praising Him for the hope that we are all promised in Him and that He is all we need. Lean on Him all you need too...He is STONG in our weakness.
You have such a beautiful heart.

Franchesca Cox said...

I needed this. Your hope gives me hope =)

It helps to be reminded that He really is all we need...

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

Lauren, you are such an amazing writer and you truly have a gift for teaching the things of God. I am blessed every time I come over here.

alihsee said...

Bless you for continuing to hope! What faith :)

Tabitha@ichoosebliss.net said...

This was so very touching.

Traci~ Ordinary Inspirations for the everyday wife, mommy, and homemaker said...

This was so great... I can feel your hurt, but at the same time, your love for our Lord, and the way He is carrying you!

Keep hoping, keep seeking His face!

Love,
Traci