5.09.2010

{One Last Time...} & Happy Mother's Day

 Today is Mother's Day and this year feels just a little bit different to me. For the past 5 years I have dreaded this day. I think it's been the most hated day on the calendar for me. I used to pray that I would get sick just so I would have an excuse not to attend church. The thought of another sermon all about the joys of motherhood made my heart break. All the calls of "Happy Mother's Day" throughout the church halls filled me with pain and I barely endured until it was finally time for that awful day to end.

Why on earth would I feel that way? Because for years I begged God to give me a child. I rejoiced when I finally got that little plus sign ... and I was crushed to the core when I lost that baby. I endured a season of depression and pain that I'll never forget only to get another plus sign followed by another loss. Then nothing. For 2 1/2 years and a million tears there was nothing. So, a day that threw all of my hopes and dreams in my face and laughed at me ... a day that showed me that nearly every woman I knew could experience a joy I would die for but just couldn't make happen... well, that day just seemed cruel.

But this year is just a little different. This year will be my last with empty arms. This year I will still probably cry when I get home from church. I'll still ache as I listen to the sermon. But I'll know ... just a few more months... this is the last time. It's the last time I'll have to fake a smile and it's the last time I spend all morning with a lump in my throat. Because I have a little boy coming. He's out there an ocean away. I don't know if he's waiting in a belly or a bed... but he's mine. He's my little boy and I love him. Next year I'll be holding him. Next year there will be giggles and toes and smiles and diapers and runny noses and kisses and curls...

With Christ's help I'll make it ... one last time...

©2009 Living By Faith

33 comments:

Alicia said...

BIG HUGS, LAUREN!!!!

Kate said...

This post breaks my heart for you, and yet it is overflowing with joy for you! Praying for you, especially tomorrow!!

Jenny said...

prayers going out for you this mother's day. Next year will be more joyful than you can imagine. God bless you and that little boy!!

Kristin said...

The Lord has such big plans for you and Tucker, Lauren! I pray that whatever stage Tucker is at right now, that he knows his Mommy loves him so very much. Isn't God amazing the way that He writes our stories?!! I hope that you have peace tomorrow in knowing that He already has it all planned out and that although He may not be in a hurry, He is always right on time!! Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and allowing me to witness such a beautiful thing!

Amy said...

You do have a little guy out there waiting to be united with you! So Happy Mother-to- be hopefully really soon day :)

Sarah-Anne said...

Ditto to what Kate said. Sending so much love to you, and you are in my prayers!!!

Amanda said...

Thanks for making me see Mother's Day from a different perspective. I hope you are well so far.

Ginger said...

I have stumbled across your post this morning as I get ready to head off to church. My heart aches for you as I read about your heartache and struggles and as I think about the turmoil that Mother's Day could cause to many women. I praise God though and rejoice with you that God has sustained you through the heartache, through the void and tears. I praise God that He has kept your every tear and heard your every cry. And I certainly give glory to God that He has knit together this sweet little boy for you to love and mother. I can only imagine how your arms must ache to hold him and I pray that as you prepare for his arrival that your heart would know sweet peace and assurance. I will be praying for you today. And happy mother's day to you because you are already a mama...you are just waiting for him to make his arrival! I pray today will be a sweet day of restoration and hope to your heart.

Jenny said...

i just posted something similar on my blog... only i DID skip church! i can't wait for us to celebrate mother's day together next year!

Kim said...

Oh the plans HE has in store for you!
Happy Early Mothers Day!

Lara said...

I can only imagine how heartbreaking this has been for you. Happy Mama to-be Day - you have certainly earned it with all that you have gone through to bring your baby home!

Carrie said...

What a heartfelt post, Lauren!

I remember the Mother's Day after Noah died, and they had all the mother's stand ... I stood up and felt all the stares in the room. In lots of ways that season was worse than the initial loss a few months earlier.

I am so excited, waiting with joyful anticipation at what HE is going to do in and through you in these next few months to come!

Beautifully written post, Lauren! I'm praying today for your peace and a joy that only comes from HIM.

{{{Hugs}}}

Missie said...

What a blessing. You are going to be such an amazing Mother...Happy Early Mother's Day!

Critty said...

I have been praying for you today...but with expectations of what this day next year will be. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard past Mother's Days have been for you.....but this one I know your heart is full of expectation of a little boy named Tucker. So Happy Mother's Day my friend. Celebrate today with anticipation for he is coming and will be in your arms before you know it. You are already a Mom in your heart my friend. Just as he is your son.

Love.

2003beachbunch said...

Prayers with you and that new little boy to love! I hope that you have enjoyed today knowing that your arms won't be empty next year!!

Kristin said...

One last time Lauren!! Thank you for sharing your heart and feelings that I know so many women have. God's plan of motherhood through adoption is beautiful and each Mother's Day will get better from here!!

The Young Family said...

PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS post. Love your heart...and so thankful to call you a friend.

He & Me + 3 said...

Lauren,

I have goose bumps of excitement for you because you are right...this is the last year. Next year will be that much sweeter.
Hugs to ((you))
Mimi

Chloë said...

I'm praying that beautiful little boy comes swiftly to your open arms. My little sister is from china and it took two and a half years for her to get home. I know your arms and your heart aches, but the wait will feel like nothing after he's yours to hold. So happy pre-mother's day! Your baby is out there somewhere waiting for his momma...

Jim and April said...

Oh lauren! My heart feels so similar! 5 years for me too, plus sign after plus sign followed by loss after loss! What a great hope we have knowing Lord willing next year we'll be watching our little ones crawl or run around everywhere!

"Indescribable" said...

You're not alone. Many have the same bitter-sweet feeling, life is hard, Thankfully we don't have to go it alone. God gives us supportive companions and He holds us till we can stand on our feet and lean on Him. You'll be a great MOM and Sister in Christ for others who may experience a similar situation.
Peace and hugs to you.
Maria

Natalie said...

Yes, joy and yes, pain - my heart hurts for you, dear one. I have not traveled this path but have many friends who have and I absolutely will be praying for you. One day closer to getting your sweet Tucker. This day is behind you and you can now look ahead in hope.

Natalie at Mommy on Fire
http://www.mommyonfire.com

Muthering Heights said...

What a blessing, that next year your arms will be filled with your sweet little boy!!!

I am so excited for you that he is coming! :)

Michele @ Frugal Granola said...

I can identify with much of what you've written. (We brought home our little girl 3 years ago!) :) I've been writing about some of these emotions recently on my blog; feel free to stop by.
Blessings to you today- on Mother's Day!
Michele

Joyeful said...

I was thinking of you and praying for you today, Lauren! I ache for you and all that you've endured. You and Tucker have been on my heart a lot lately! God has picked you to be the mommy of a very special little boy!

Hugs and Blessings to you!!

Lynnette Kraft said...

I'm so glad this will be your last Mother's Day without a child. It's a side of life that so many have to go through ... yet so many don't understand. Even though I've never struggled with getting pregnant, having lost three children, I've had my own sad Mother's Days. I remember when I was carrying my second child - who I knew wouldn't survive - Mother's Day rolled around when I was 8 months pregnant and I was sad all day just knowing I wouldn't be able to mother the baby who was still alive in my womb.

Life is hard and full of pains and sadness, but praise God he carries us through it all.

Tenderly,
Lynnette

Heather said...

I know it's been a terrible time for you, but I know even more that you are going to be a wonderful mom! Tucker is one lucky little guy:-)

Carrie said...

I know too well how that feels and I am rejoicing with you as you get closer and closer to your son; the child God has intended for your family all along.
Happy MaMa's day to you!

Angie said...

Oh honey, I pray everyday since I found your blog that this year goes without a hitch and you get your little boy as soon as possible. You post kind of breaks my heart too because I am where you were. This year was another year when my heart was breaking in church because I am not a mother, and it is the one thing I want the most in the world. But I know it is not my time yet. Wow, sorry about the downer...lol. Anyhow, I know you are going to be a great mom!

Katie said...

Sweet Lauren,
I wish I could hug you ((hugs)) I can feel your pain through your words. You have a good perspective though sweetie. Next year will be different. I am so sorry for your losses. You are a mom though, right now. You will see those little babies in heaven one day.
Love your friend

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

so excited for you to celebrate mother's day next year!!! it will be a joyous occassion! praise the Lord for the gift of Tucker!

Serline said...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways"
Leave it in His hands, and His plans for you will unfold, not if but when... God bless!

Rachel @ Future Pastor's Wife said...

Oh Lauren, how beautiful and poignant! Waiting expectantly with you to see pics of you holding Tucker!

Happy belated Mother's Day - because you ARE a mother. To your babies in heaven, to your foster babies, to Tucker, and to the kids you minister to every week. "Mother" has many different facets. :)