6.02.2010

pain in the waiting...


I think I've reached a new phase of this adoption journey. Through it all we've met some amazing people and grown spiritually in ways we weren't expecting. The paperwork process went through with only a hiccup or two... but always easily fixed. We've only been on the wait list for just under 3 months and the numbers are moving quickly! Our fund raising efforts have gone really well and we've been so amazed a people's generosity. We have every reason to be sitting back happy as clams at the way things are going.... and that's exactly what I've been trying to tell my heart at 1am when it can't stop racing.
It's become almost routine for the last week or so. The day ends and I am exhausted from all the activity and goals accomplished. We climb into bed and I can't wait for the light to be turned out. My eyes are watering because I'm so tired and I can't stop yawning. I snuggle in and roll on my side fully expecting to immediately fall in a deep sleep... and I almost do. But then I don't ... and I don't... and I don't... I just can't fall asleep. As tired as I am there's one thing on my heart. Tucker. He's just there and I can't stop thinking about him. So I lay there and wonder where he is, if he's okay, if he's hungry, if he's sick, if someone's holding him, if his birth mom is okay... is she well and just too young, or is she sick and dying? The questions break my heart because I don't know the answers and each one is a very real possibility.

Somewhere along the line a change occurred. I went from being a mommy in waiting to being a mother. I'm already there - but my baby's not yet here. Just imagine how difficult it is to be a mom with your heart held by a tiny being half way around the world... a tiny person you've never met and who might very well be hurting. Yes, it's agony at times. So, in the wee hours of the morning I lay awake while thoughts and worries race through my mind. All I can do is pray. I can't get on a plane. I can't call the agency and beg them for my referral and an immediate court date. I can't see his face yet. So I pray... I lay there and beg God to hold Tucker because I can't. I beg God to protect his little heart and body. I ask the Great Physician to be with his birth mommy. Let her be okay, please God. I ask Him to help me. Help my heart in the waiting... but keep it slightly broken. Because I want to be broken for the orphan always... don't ever let me become hard or apathetic. I pray for trust... trust that he'll provide for our needs. I will admit that I've had moments of panic. We have just over $10,000 left to raise... that amount seems so huge to me... I've asked my husband in worry "how will that happen?" and he reminds that that God can do anything and He'll make it happen. It' comforts me ...

...until the blackness and silence of night comes and I'm reminded that we're an ocean and $10,000 away from our son... and my heart throbs as tears fall on the sheets.

I've heard other adoptive moms talk about this. This time of urgency mixed with frustration and agony. I guess I'm there. And all I can do is pray...

will you please pray with me?

©2009 Living By Faith

39 comments:

Muthering Heights said...

I am so sorry you're going through this...it sounds terrible!!! :(

I'll pray for you...and for Tucker too!

Andrea said...

Lauren, you know what you are going through? You are labouring. While you aren't physically able to go through the pregnancy and labour of this baby yourself, you are still experiencing it emotionally. You are every bit this baby's mommy because you are going through these things. Every expectant mom goes through these things on one level or another - I think it is so absolutely beautiful that God is giving you this labouring time. I don't know what it's like to adopt a baby, but I do know enough that it's not as simple as someone just handing the baby over to you, the end. That labour we go through is something no one else gets to experience - even though it's unpleasant, it's like it solidifies that bond we have with our little ones.

Maybe that makes no sense - I am kind of up past my bedtime! But that was the first thought that ran through my mind as I read your post - that you are going through your own type of labour for this child, making Tucker even more yours. Oh, you are going to be such a great mommy - I am so excited for you!!

Kristin said...

You bet I will be praying for you!! I can't imagine how hard this must be, but what I do know is that He will carry you through this in a way that only He can. And as He does, we will all be praying and cheering for you to make it to your son!!!

Brittany said...

I am praying for you and your family.

love said...

oh, i remember this so freshly. i'm off to pray for you right now.
this IS a time of laboring and a time of drawing you close to your little one. will pray for his safety and peace and for your heart to rest in His perfect timing.

Barbie said...

Lauren I cannot imagine the wave emotions you must be feeling. I am certainly praying for you and your family.

Critty said...

I love you sweet Lauren. And I am praying. Before I go to bed each night I will pray for you. That not only Tucker will feel His arms around Him but so will you.

You are a mother friend. A wonderful one at that.

And I agree with Andrea. You are going through labor. Your heart is right now preparing for that moment.

Hugs to you.

Heather said...

Sweet little Tucker is such a lucky man...he has a mom that loves him so much it's hard for you to handle. I know you have so much love to give and you heart is just yearning to be able to give it to Tucker...soon you will be able to. The pain in the waiting it inevitable I'm sure, but you're turning to the One that can comfort you during the pain. I love you and Tucker so much and I pray for you and John and Tucker even more than I already do!

lori said...

Lauren,
oh...you are experiencing what we all go through..whether we have a child through childbirth or adoption...you are in labor..(just saw that Andrea said that too! :)) It is true. God has brought you to this place and He is preparing your heart, asking for faith, preparing you "for such a time as this." He knows your agony, He knows the fears, He knows the journey...

Lauren you have had my prayers...you have no idea how often you come to mind and a silent prayer is said....

You have fallen in love Lauren...the most beautiful gift God gives...and at times the most heart wrenching. Know you've got my prayers girl...prayers for endurance in this race. Prayers for peace, prayers for patience and prayers for Tucker to soon be in your arms...

peace,
lori

Jenny said...

i will pray with you. i am feeling many of these exact same things. i cannot think about anything else. jai consumes my thoughts 99% of the time! i wake up early early in the mornings and he is immediately on my mind. i try to go back to sleep and it just doesn't happen... sometimes i feel that it will be better once i know who he is, but i imagine it probably gets worse. i cannot wait until we have our boys home!

Amy said...

Yup! That means you are getting closer (which is a GOOD thing!). It is so hard to wait and unfortunately it gets harder the closer you get. I was so worried about my little guy and there wasn't a thing I could do about it. I just wanted to know that he was at HH and was safe and being well cared for. I swear, the process takes everything out of you by the end. But it will be soooo worth it!

He & Me + 3 said...

What a sincere post Lauren. I can feel your emotion through the computer screen. I am wiping tears from my eyes now. You have my prayers.
Hugs,
Mimi

Kristi J said...

lauren...we'd love your pic..we've had LOTS of families without their kids home yet send in pics...so do so when you can...we'd love to add it, kristi

Carrie said...

I am praying with you and crying with you. Waiting is so very very hard with all the unknown's, but our Father is not guessing, and he knows exactly what happened yesterday, is happening today, and will be happening tomorrow. He has your future and he wants you not to worry because the story he is weaving for your family is perfect. Being broken is what has brought you to this point and the joy to come is so very soon. I know these are just words, but I also know how you feel and will feel. Tucker is cradeled in his Father's arms awaiting your physical touch and it will be soon. Our children went through so much so early in their lives, but the joy they exude everyday is only from the love of our Father and the saving grace of Jesus.
Prayers with you and with Tucker's first family; peace and comfort to you all.
The money will be there too! I worried sometimes about that even when things were close and it was always there...the miracle of where it came from sometimes was a blessing in itself.
Carrie

Leigh said...

Praying friend! I can't tell you how many nights I get out of bed and go lay on the couch not to disturb Gray and just wonder and pray and cry. Are they worth it? YES!!! Does it hurt so much? ohhh yesss! Praying sweet Tucker is loved, fed, cuddled, and cared for wherever he is today! One of my favorite verses to pray for my kids is Zephaniah 3:17, claiming that verse for Tucker today!!!

Jim and April said...

oh lauren, i understand and feel the same way! It's hard but will be oh so worth it in the end! :0)

Alicia said...

Oh my, Lauren!! Such an open & honest post of what you are going through right now. It is so touching, and I will be praying!!!!!!

Sarah Ann said...

I just sent up a prayer for you!! I can't tell you how much I look forward to reading about your journey with adoption and you are just so on my heart all of the time! I know that God has great big things in store for you. How amazing that he has given you such a love for this little boy. It's as if you have a little understanding of his own love and longing for his own. I'm praying for peace but also that this hope and anticipation doesn't diminish!

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry that your heart is hurting, but thankful you know the Lord and are able to seek peace and comfort for him. I pray that this time and season will pass quickly and that God will bring your beautiful little boy to you quickly! Imagine what a testimony this will make!

Kelly said...

I am praying for you sooo much! Love you girl!

Jenn said...

Lauren, I am so sorry you are hurting! I am praying for Tucker and you right now, and will continue to do so! I wish I had words that would comfort, but all I can offer is prayers!

Victoria said...

God places you on my heart so often--last night included--I'll keep praying with you! Love you!

3 Blessings said...

Lauren,
I know I have shared these same feelings with you. It is part of Tucker growing in your heart. God is weaving him so tightly in you heart so that each beat grows you both closer together. I know how hard it is right now, but with each night's prayers and sleep...you are one step closer to your son. Praying for you.
Love,
Amy

Chloƫ said...

As my mom said, adopting is the longest labor pains you'll ever experience, but once you hold that sweet baby in your arms, it seems as though it never happened.

My prayers have been, and will continue to be with you and your hurting momma's heart. What a day of rejoicing it will be when he comes home!!

And I got my prayer dresses yesterday! They were even cuter in real life! Excited to wear them, and to remember to pray.

Two Hearts for Africa said...

Lauren,

May you find peace somehow in knowing that there are so many of us who share your pain, your longing, your need, your love, your brokenness. Draw close to the Father now- find comfort in the arms of our Savior and know that He is holding you and Tucker at once. Close your eyes and imagine it as the best group hug ever! Praying as you continue your journey. Hugs, Kindra

Darcie said...

I can completely understand every emotion you are going through right now. The wonderful thing is that you are not alone and even as God is comforting you right now...he is also comforting Tucker...until you can wrap him in your arms. Praying for you my dear!

Rachel said...

I can't imagine the emotions/thoughts you're going through during this time! I will be praying, friend!

Kim said...

I'll be praying for both of you. I can only imagine how hard this is for you but I know that he one lucky little boy to have you.

Kate said...

Girl, my heart is breaking just reading your words. The picture of God holding Tucker, wow, what a picture. Praying for you!! Especially at 1am!

Crystal Escobar said...

Aw, this is my first time visiting your blog. I really hope things will speed up for you. I hate learning patience :) It's the worst!
Anyway, I'm following your blog now, so I'll be back soon!
I look forward to getting to know you better.

RoseBelle said...

Reading your post really made me realize the tedious process of adopting a child. Sandra Bullock waited four years to adopt her son...I can't believe the obstacles adoptive parents must go through. I wish there'd be changes to hasten the process. Take care of yourself because once that child is with you, you need to be strong in health and spirit.

Becca Harley said...

oh Lauren - my heart dries with yours. I have had trouble sleeping now for two months - and I wonder when it will end! So I pray - for our daughter, for her family, and for my "family" that is walking through this journey with us. So tonight, while you are awake - know that I am praying for you!!!

ModernMom said...

I'm new here, found you through He Me and 3....This was such a heart felt post. You have my prayers..

Natalie said...

Oh sweet Lauren. Yes, I will be praying for you. I totally agree with Andrea - you are in labor.

I'm absolutely praying...

Natalie at Mommy on Fire
http://www.mommyonfire.com

Tracy said...

Lauren, a mama's heart for her baby. Do I have to tell you that I am crying? I pray for peaceful slumber, restful and refreshing. I pray for your heart to give you relief and hope as you drift off. I pray for Tucker and the day when he will set on the heart that already holds him.

Praying for you my friend. It is my privilege to carry your name to the Father.

Amy said...

It must be so hard, Lauren! Thank you for sharing your heart, though, so we know better how to pray!

{I got my dress & shirt today! I LOVE them!!}

Bina said...

I just wanted to say that this post grabbed my heart. I am not an adoptive mother...but I have my own children and then am raising my husband's daughter from his previous marriage. As a mom...my heart hears yours...and I am praying for you.

Kate said...

L, thank you for being transparent and letting us peak into your heart if only for a moment. Jason and I are ardently praying for you and John. And for Tucker. Always.
I remember this stage of our waiting as well. We were approved, licensed and ready to go. So we waited for what seemed like forever for the call that would change our lives as we knew them. I remember sleepless nights, arguments just because we were stressed out, walking down different grocery store isles considering purchases we didn't need at the time but one day would, and most importantly I remember my prayers. Filled with hope and love for the children that would come to live with us for a time, they were urgent with longing and letting go at the same time. Now, I urgently pray for you.

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

I wanted to tell you that tonight I met a family at a pool party who just received their beautiful daughter from Ethiopia 4 months ago, Salome, (sp?). She's 4 and a real beauty and already so well adapted to her new family and environment... she has 3 older siblings, her dad is in the military here. I told her mother all about Tucker and your desire to hold him in your arms. She completely understood, and in some small way, I felt more connected to your story than ever before.

Yes, I will pray for you tonight, believing that Tucker will soon be home and in your arms. Their process seemed to have progressed very quickly.

peace~elaine