9.03.2010

waiting and waiting some more

 Six months... that's how long we've been on the wait list to adopt our little Ethiopian gift from God....

5 years... that's how long John and I have been praying that God would bless us with a child...

A lifetime... that's how long I have waited to become a mother...

Today the waiting feels like agony. It hurts. I don't understand it, yet I know there is a perfect reason. I guess I just keep wondering "why me?" It's a horribly selfish thought - but it's there. I look all around me and see women expecting babies. First, second, third, fourth... 9 months. 9 months with their children safely nestled in their bellies and then they know that baby is coming in 40 weeks - give or take a couple weeks. Then I look at me ... my son is not tucked away warmly in my tummy. He's an ocean away and, to be honest, I don't know if he's warm or safe tonight. I don't know if he's hungry or scared or lonely or cold. I have no guarantees. I also have no time table. I don't have that sweet knowledge that 40 weeks after the journey starts it will end. As it is, it's been a year since we started the process. There's no give or take of a few weeks... it's months of give or take. We could have him home in December (not likely) or it could be April... or even next summer. Anything could happen to extend our time of waiting... and to be honest I am really tired of waiting and wondering.

My heart feels a little broken tonight. I once read that being a mother means having your heart walk around outside your body. If that's true then mine's in Africa and I have no idea what's happening to it. I only know it hurts and it's raw and I'm ready to have him home... in my arms... forever...

©2009 Living By Faith

28 comments:

natali said...

praying for you and your sweet little boy.

Critty said...

I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you and John.

Praying for you my friend. For peace. For patience.

I know His timing is always perfect...but that does mean it hurts any less sometimes.

<3

Kristin said...

I can't imagine how hard that would be, Lauren. I will pray that God protects Tucker until the two of you can be together. I know when you are together, you will be able to look back and see how this wait was part of God's plan. I know it must not make the wait any easier right now though, but we will keep praying for peace.

chantel said...

I feel exactly the same way, this wait is killing me and it seems EVERYONE is pregnant. If only we had a set time line I could pace myself...boo for long wait times

Joshua and Hilary said...

Just found your blog tonight through another. Oh journey is just beginning and we're adopting from Ethiopia through AGCI as well. I hear your heart on the waiting thing- I think it stinks too.. and I've just begun! (o; Thinking that God's trying to teach the control freak in me something! (o; Just wanted to say I look forward to following along and seeing how this story unfolds for ya'll! Many blessings girl! -hilary
www.helmshappenings-ethiopia.blogspot.com

Our Family said...

Praying for you!! I can't imagine how hard it must be!!
Jessica

Amy said...

I can't imagine how much your heart is hurting & longing for Tucker. Praying for peace, joy, patience & hope while you wait.

Amy said...

I know it is so hard. You must be getting close, because I hurt oh so bad as we got closer and closer to our referral. Truly, waiting near the front of the list and wondering what is happening to your child is so very hard.

Jenny said...

praying for you, lauren. praying for all of us waiting to finally become mommies. your post speaks perfectly what my heart feels.

Shonni said...

Praying that you are holding you little son soon!!!!

Jenilee said...

praying as you walk this road, waiting and waiting...

Heather said...

:-( I know you're so ready to hold little Tucker! I'm praying you will be able to find out your new number soon. I know it's harder not knowing what progress has been made since those two families are not on the list serve. I lu you so much!

Danielle said...

My heart breaks to read this and I don't even know you!!! We waited for so long for our girls to come home, and the indefiniteness of when it might happen seems impossible to bare at times! All I can say is there will be a day when you can only faintly remember that feeling!!! So, know that God's timing is perfect, and that He has the very best in store for you...even when circumstances scream otherwise! His goodness supersedes all of that and when you have no lingering feeling of that goodness....cling to what you know to be true and remind yourself daily! I will be praying!!!!!!

Alison said...

Girl, your pain makes my heart hurt. I am just so sorry. I can't even imagine. I know your arms must literally ache to hold Tucker in your arms. I just know that your lifetime of waiting to become a mommy is about to happen! I know God has such great plans for you and for precious Tucker. Praying that He'll hold both of you in His arms!

Sarah-Anne said...

Oh sweet Lauren, all I can say is I'm praying for you, for John, for Tucker. For peace. For love to surround and uphold each of you. And for little bits of joy to surprise and meet you in this very moment. And for patience as you trust and wait. "Be still and know that I am God." May you, in the midst of waiting, be at peace in the arms of our God.

Meg said...

Oh Lauren, my heart breaks for you. I only know a small part of waiting, nothing to this degree.
Waiting is so hard. It is so hard when we do not know how long we have to wait. Oh but what great reward you wait for! Don't forget the faithfulness of our God.
I appreciate your honesty, transparency, and very real heart. I am praying for you guys--that God would be so near, you very present help and comfort. <3

Kate said...

Praying for you today, Lauren. I am sorry that your heart is breaking. I hate waiting, but I know my waiting is nothing like yours. I know you know all the "God cliches" and some probably don't bring you comfort right now. Please know we are all praying for you, John, and Tucker.

Kelly said...

I am so sorry Lauren. My heart just breaks for you! I want you to know that I am praying for you so often! May God comfort your heart tonight.

Our Bigg Family said...

Praying for you. Knowing that God is preparing the perfect child just for you and your husband.
Motherhood is definitely the feeling of your heart outside your body. An ache you feel for someone other than yourself that is stronger than you have ever felt. And I am sure you are experiencing part of that right now.

Wild and Precious said...

thanks for sharing your heart in this post! your vulnerability is beautiful.

Darla said...

Praying for Tucker, that he is warm and comfy tonight. Praying for you that you have joy and peace in His rest. It's incredibly hard to rest in Jesus...not easy at all. It will be worth it all, someday, when you get to see his precious face. A little like how we all should feel about our relationship with the Lord. Do we long for Him that way? With an ache that burns within? Not usually, but we should! You might be 'ahead of the crowd' in growing in grace because of your earthly, physical reminder of that every day. Tucker (and other future children) will be blessed to have you as a mom. Keep resting, even through the hurt. We love you, and wish you didn't have to go through all this.

He & Me + 3 said...

Praying for you tonight my friend.

BARBIE said...

I cannot imagine the wait. It must be agony. I am praying your sweet son will be home soon. Know and trust that God has perfect timing. May He keep you in perfect peace until that day comes.

Jim and April said...

as Dori the fish from Finding Nemo says..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." or in your case, just keep waiting...oh the reward, the joy and love you will feel once you see your son face to face! :0)

Angie said...

Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you and John right now. I cannot even begin to imagine how you both are feeling. All I can say is that I am praying for you both. And have faith that eventually you will have your little guy in your arms...forever :)

Madeleine said...

Oh I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through.

And I remember having out by the phone & checking the emails every possible moment.

And trying SO hard not to take it out on Kate when she would call, and it would not be for the dates when we go, but some other thing.

And going into Elly's room, all ready & decorated and ready to be go.

And another Christmas without her, the 3rd one. The hardest one because we were told around Thanksgiving, but our paper work got lost in Homeland Security.

Yes, dear Woman, I know your heart.

And I will pray.

And when he is indeed in your arms, you will remember this time, and it wont seem so bad. Because in the end, the wait was worth it.

But while waiting... I will pray.

Warren Baldwin said...

Prayers from our family for your family. God bless. wb

Brooke said...

I don't know if you knew on my blog that we are going to start an Ethiopian adoption soon...after our hearts have some time to heal from losing Briar. I have thought about it for a long time and so has my husband. We asked for people to donate to Briar's brother adoption fun instead of sending anything tangible......
Praying for your journey!